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Archive for August, 2006

$ In love $ ??

I was on the bus back to Hyderabad from Tirupathi. I had been there to attend my friend’s wedding. It was around 9 pm at night and they had switched the lights off in the bus. It was dark. I increased the volume in my mp3 player to save myself from the Telugu movie that was roaring at full volume in the bus. The hero, twice the size of a half-burnt matchstick, was beating the hell out of the poor villain who was just about as thick as oak tree, and the background music referred to the hero as a macho man. I thanked God and Sandisk for creating Mp3 Players. I closed my eyes. AR Rahman was singing ‘New York Nagaram’.

Am I in love?

I was unable to sleep. All my six (I do have 6) senses were filled with thoughts about her. In my path of stones, is there a flower-bed. Why does she need to disturb me by appearing regularly in my dreams? What is stopping her getting rid of this whole thing and come rushing to me? This was not the first time that my thoughts have swerved towards her. I have been thinking of her day and night. There was something in her that made her and only her special.

I was deaf to the sounds that surrounded me – to the rumbling noise of the bus, to the gyrations of the pair on TV, to the heavy duty snoring of the guy in my opposite seat, to everything…

Am I in love?

The silent environment made my decision making process easier. I am in love. But, what do I do next? Talking to her is next to impossible, because ever since I knew her no one has ever dared spoken to her. Even those who have tried, have done so in vain, without any reply from her. She rarely opens her mouth. Infact, she never opens her mouth!!! Is she dumb?? I dont care. I am in love, and that is all I know. Sometimes standing still can be the best move that you ever make…. But will that help me solve this issue?? My friends, any ideas??

I have been grappling with this question for a while now. I am even contemplating changing the second half of my name to match her name. I love her. I really do love money. I have just a few hundreds in my bank and I have run up huge debts. I could think of nothing else, other than that beautiful vamp!!! And henceforth, when any of you write to me, address me as $aimoney.

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Eye am not ant-agonistic

Just about daybreak for him. He opened his eyes, very slightly, to take a look at his clock. It was 7.55 am. He can easily slip in 5 more minutes of sleep. He grinned sheepishly inside and closed his eyes again. He was woken up in a harsh way. It was extremely painful. It was a cowardly act of the highest order, since it was done when he was sleeping. He did not realise what had actually happened at the beginning. Only when he tried to take stock of the situation by opening his eyes, did he realise that his right eyelid was too heavy. “Yikes!! It has a bulge..” he exclaimed. He had just been bitten right on his right eyelid – Yes, thats right, no left – when he had been enjoying the guilty pleasure of the extra 5 minutes of his morning sleep.. He was furious. He could see from the corner of his right eye, the convict running across his pillow. The convict told him that he was repentant for his actions. He forgave the ant, but could not forget the incident because the swollen right eye irritated him while writing this post.

May God bless his eye!!!

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If Bridge left Chelsea……

Chelsea’s Left back Wayne Bridge should stop feeling insecure of his spot given the blues’ new signing Khalid Boulahrouz. There is no way that Jose Mourinho would let Bridge go from Stamford Bridge, because if Bridge leaves, then Mourinho would be left only with Stamford…. And since they do not own any player with the name Stamford, it would effectively mean that Chelsea would be left without a home arena

I am hungry!!!!

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Ass u like it…

Visited a close friend of mine during the weekend, who gave me the vital piece of information that there were absolutely no donkeys in China… The conversation went like this:

Moi: How was ur China trip?
Friend: It was great!!! A lot better than I expected??
Moi: Did u get to eat all those exotic dishes??
Friend: Yep!!! i ate ….. (She went on with the list of dishes which included almost all of the existing species, except horses, donkeys and a few wild animals)
Moi: Now, that is quite a list.. Why did u miss out on horses??
Friend: Too big for me to digest. I thought u would be more interested in the places I visited, u a**hole!!!
Moi: Ah, that reminds me.. What about donkeys??
Friend: There are no donkeys in China!!!
Moi: Why, have they already eaten up all of them??
Friend: I really dont know, man!!! I sometimes wonder how people can exist without asses…
Moi: Machaa!!! Its just that donkeys and asses are mutually exclusive. An ass can take multiple forms, but a donkey is always a donkey.
Friend: I am deliberating…
Moi: About what??
Friend: Whether to skin u alive or to roast u??
Moi: That would make u an ‘Ass”ass’in.. U just refuse to come out of the asses debate, do u!! Now, u would say that England and Australia would be competing for ‘The Asses’ instead of ‘The Ashes’…
Friend: Aarrgghhh!!!

I was in the bus back to Hyderabad within 5 minutes of the conversation…

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An Untold Story: Part II

This is Part II of ‘The Untold Story’. Read the Preface and Part I before reading further.

Kaptaan, in the meantime, was already preparing himself for the battle ahead. He knew that this would not be easy, even for him. He called for a meeting with his loyalists and explained his plan of action. His comrades, like always, did not get a word of what he said during the meeting due to the omnipresent ear jarring music that goes on in the background whenever Kaptaan delivers an inspirational speech. They nodded indicating their approval of the plan.

Leaders world over were not convinced with Kaptaan when he refused to reveal his plans to them, at the emergency meeting at Kondichettipatty – KCP.

‘Huh.. This is absurd.’ chuckled Gargle ‘Who gave u this idea?’

‘Mr.Gargle… There is only one person in this world who gives me ideas. And that is my Sengamalam.’

‘Senga…what!!! yuck…. Whatever… Who is this? Your wife, girl friend??’

‘Nope!!! Sengamalam is my cow. I can be without anyone, but my Senga’

Sengamalam was listening to this via the Radio Frequency Decoder Headphones designed just for her. Kaptaan had gifted it to her during the previous Maattu Pongal. She was moved and her eyes filled with tears!!!!

The leaders had no other option left. Reluctantly they gave a go-ahead to Kaptaan’s mizzon. Kaptaan, as expected, completed the mizzon successfully. He not only saved the planet, but also killed all the aliens. People all over the world were relieved, and Madurai was acknowledged as a superpower. The US President, however, was curious to know how Kaptaan managed to outwit the aliens.

‘Kaptaan, Tell me something. How did u do it?’

‘Gargle, Dont u know how to do it??’

‘Ah, Kaptaan. No jokes please. They suck!!!’

‘Ok. I came to know from reliable sources, that the aliens were planning to unleash a high-intensity Laser beam that would destroy the Planet in seconds. So I kept a mirror in the path of the beam.’

‘So, u are the real Beam-boy, eh!!! But how come the aliens did not notice the glass??’

‘Huh, Gargle… It was SAINT GOBAIN’

Gargle faints.

Kaptaan says ‘When in doubt, dont shudder. Just grab the rudder and milk the udder’

Senga felt happy!!!

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